How to Survive Christmas (i.e.Family) by “NOT” Being Tiger Woods
Like most people who do not live in the same city with their biological family I look forward to the Christmas’ holiday with sheer delight and seethed dread. Yes, I use the five letter word dread because it seems as if all the unfinished family’s drama from the previous year is dysfunctionally packed away in the basement only to be reopened the morning of the following Christmas’ day. SURPRISE . . . mom is getting another divorce . . . SURPRISE . . . aunt is asking are you gay because you won’t to fix your uncle’s plate because he got two hands . . . SURPRISE . . . your fifteen year old male cousin is having a baby . . . SURPRISE . . . your older brother is taking grandmother to court because he wants to control her will . . . SURPRISE. All of these surprises make you want to grumble in your best Scrooge’s impersonation—bah hum bug. In a nutshell, my family makes Tyler Perry’s familial antics look pretty pedestrian and normal which is why I’ve developed some bullet points on how to survive the holidays with the family using Tiger Wood’s related news stories as well as other news worthy stories. To begin:
- Don’t model Tiger Woods’ infidelity. Holiday Translation: Don’t buy the same cheap gift from Target and give it to each family member expecting them not to find out you gave everyone the same gift.
- Don’t make stupid statements like Al Sharpton. Holiday Translation: Don’t tell the stupid person above that he should have only given the cheap Target gifts to black women in the family unless you want Christmas dinner in the dog house.
- Don’t repeat the word “high tech lynching” without understanding the history of lynching. Holiday Translation: When eating dinner at the table with your family, just keep your mouth shut about all controversial and intelligent topics unless it’s about the weather and cheese. We all know how one stupid comment can cause some family members to hold a grudge for the next ten year.
- Don’t cut your student’s hair because she is not paying attention to your instruction. Holiday Translation: Don’t flip your great aunt the bird because every five minutes she asks you, “When are you going to get marry?” “Who are you dating?” “You never bring a man/woman home for the holidays?” “When will you stop being gay and marry?” “When will you settle down and have some children (you know your biological clock is ticking)?”
- Don’t be like Nene and Kim asking for more money when you don’t deserve it. Holiday Translation: Don’t expect to get an envelope with money, a Wii, or and an I-Phone from your well-off uncle if you have not called him the entire year. And calling him in route to his house on Christmas Day does not count as a genuine phone call.
- And most importantly, don’t nominate a film for a Golden Globe because yet another white woman saves a black kid. Holiday Translation: Don’t say how much you like your son’s new boyfriend when you know he is the same type of guy who broke his heart last Christmas.
Of course, there are more news stories that I could list to help you navigate the holidays with the family, but I need to stop being rude (i.e. writing this blog in the backroom of the house) and go spend quality time (i.e. 10 minutes) with my family in the living room.
But, if you know of any other things one should not do while at home for the holidays, please list them or if you have a funny story about being at home for the holidays, please share.