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New Year, New Resolutions (Not to Keep)

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New Year, New Resolutions (Not to Keep)

Dear Common, Did you seriously say, “I’m a man”?  With a straight face?


Generally, I resolve not to make New Year’s resolutions.  That way, I’ve already broken my resolution by day one, and don’t have to spend 364 days talking about how I failed yet again.  Since I’d rather watch football than go see racist-ass Avatar, I’m low on blog ideas.  I know you don’t want to hear me rant about the Colts’ stupidstupidstupid “rest the starters” approach to the end of the season, and how they’re totally going to get their butts kicked by the Chargers if they don’t get their act together.  So, I’ve compiled a list of things I resolve to do in the new year.  No, finish my dissertation is not one of the things I plan to do.  If anything, I am a sensible human being.

1. I resolve to take my duties as my sister’s maid of honor seriously.  I received a “Save the Date” card in the mail the other day.  Before then, I had no idea when she planned to get married.  I just knew sometime in June.  Last night, N asked me what my sister’s engagement ring looked like.  My response?  “Um…”  So far I’ve only helped choose the wedding cake, and by “help” I mean I ate four pieces and picked the one I liked best.  So in the new year, I’ll be excited about more than the fact that the host hotel has a Chick Fil A–gotta love the South.  I’ll actually pick a dress (ugh.) and do other maid of honor-esque things.  Also, I’ll make sure that my toast does not include that whole “marriage is death” schtick.

2. I resolve not to hold my breath for James River.  Every year I think there’s going to be a new D’Angelo album.  Every year, I’m disappointed.  In 2010, I won’t listen to the rumors.  I’ll just obsess over ?uestlove’s tweets and keep Voodoo on repeat.

3. I resolve to stop all my Tyler Perry hate.  Obviously my life’s purpose is not to save black people from Tyler Perry.  At least, I really hope it’s not.  This year, I spent a lot of my internet time talking about how destructive Perry is.  I wish I’d spent more time talking about how much I hate his crispy-ass hairline, but time got away from me.  Either way, if folks don’t get it now, will they ever?  Tyler Perry sucks really bad, and we should stop giving him money.  Moving on.

4. In honor of resolution number three, I resolve to find a new famous black person to pick on.  Is 2010 Tiger’s year?  Maybe.  Seasons change and mad things rearrange, but there is always a famous black person for me to hate on.  Without fail some black celebrity will prove herself more obnoxious than usual, and I have to use blog time to talk about them.  It’s almost as if it’s my duty.  I should have several nominees by, say, February, just in time for Black History Month.  If not, I can always pick on Common. He’s always finding new ways to be aggravating.  (See above.)

5. I resolve not to get fired from this gig.  I could say that it’s not my fault the blog reading public doesn’t recognize my awesomeness. (That Obama mixtape post was lightweight genius.)  Then again, I could press pause on the hubris and just commit to posting better blogs, and be less mercurial about what I write.  I’ll get there.  I promise.

6. I resolve to find out what Michelle Obama’s favorite house song is.  Why doesn’t anyone ever ask her this question?  I’m just assuming that as a Chicagoan Michelle Obama likes house music, and I want to know what her jam is.  Sometimes I see her on television and imagine that Inner City’s “Good Life,” is playing in her head at that very moment, but that’s probably just me.

7. I resolve to write a blog or two about black youth–or things they might actually care about.  Because they don’t really care about my resolutions, do they?  This might really help me in keeping number 5.

8. I resolve to pay some attention to Barack Obama–and politics in general.  Rumor has it that there are actually important things happening in the world.  Go figure.  I think 2008 was too much for me, and I needed to check out for about a year.  Since freezing my ass off while attending the biggest black event since we copped our freedom (Yes, I’m speaking of the inauguration. I did a friend of favor. It’s a long story.), I’ve pretty much stayed away from the political sphere.  I haven’t bothered with NPR and other news outlets–independent or otherwise.  Part of me likes not knowing what’s going on (What? Healthcare reform?), but I guess I should be semi-informed.  So, in the new year, I resolve to watch The Daily Show at least once a week.

9.  I resolve to ________.  You fill in the blank.  Learn the words to “Auld Lang Syne” would be a good one.

10. Call my grandmas more often.  I’m really going to try to keep this one.  Note to self: Having to say “Grandma, it’s me, Summer,” is indicative of being one of the worst grandchildren ever.

Happy New Year.