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Razing Arizona

I guess I have to start protesting Arizona, née Mexico, which sucks because I’m totally not into marching, making colorful signs, or shouting rhymes in unison with a bunch of people.  I suppose, then, that I have to resort to other means of expressing my disapproval.  At first I thought I’d boycott  U.S. Airways, an Arizona-based airline, but then I remembered that my ma’s part-time job is with them.  Besides, if I aim to show up at my sister’s broom jumping events in North Carolina next month, I’m going to need Brenda’s buddy pass hook-up.  So then I thought I’d stop drinking Arizona iced tea,  until I recalled that several years ago I wrote Arizona a letter about the plantation imagery on their sweet tea cans.  Despite the eloquence of my letter they never sent me any free tea.  I only drink water now, anyway, and a wiki search reveals that Arizona brand tea isn’t even made in Arizona, née Mexico.  (New York City!)  Of course, I could root against Los Suns during the NBA Western Conference Finals, but doing so would mean that I would cheer for the Lakers.  But frankly, who’s willing to implicitly support Kobe Bean Bryant in an effort to express one’s solidarity with a bunch of immigrants one doesn’t even know?   I know.  What a totally crazy idea.

Yet Arizona, née Mexico’s ban on ethnic studies deserves more than this blog telling readers that if you didn’t believe it before stakes is high.  As my favorite sistorian, Elle Gray confirmed a few weeks ago, if the Obama era is starting to look like anything, it’s Reconstruction lite.  In other words, there are some in this country who think they yielded power to people of color in ’08, and they’re bugging out.  In an effort to take their country state back from the melanin mafia, they’ve starting striking back at the empire.  (To their credit, thank god they got the Wanda Sykes Show canceled.  That thing was terrible.)  Arizona, née Mexico firing those first shots implicitly aimed at a tall, big eared, skinny guy from Illinois they perceive as threatening their way of life, ain’t no South Carolina, but I guess it’ll do.  Get your bulletproof vests, kids.  This enemy’s got plenty of ammo.

The New York Times breaks down the latest effort to whitewash Arizona, née Mexico:

One provision of House Bill 2281, passed last month by the state Legislature, says that Arizona’s government:

Prohibits a school district or charter school from including in its program of instruction any courses or classes that:

•Promote the overthrow of the United States government [Secession's just another word for nothing left to lose...]

•Promote resentment toward a race or class of people. [Not that Manifest Destiny does that at all.]

•Are designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group. [Does this mean no St. Patrick's Day in Arizona next year?]

•Advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals. [That's cool.  The whole 'black community' thing is such a bummer.]

In other words, Arizona, née Mexico won’t be teaching American history at all.  Which is fine by me, because I don’t think Sarah Palin knows much of it, and she’s part of my plan.

Since Arizona, née Mexico is pissed at the federal government, I think we should sell it…to Sarah Palin.  At first I thought we should give it back to Mexico, in an effort to say our bad about the Mexican-American War and everything else screwed up we’ve done to our neighbors to the south, but who would actually pay us money for a gang of overly tanned retirees with nothing but a killer set of golf clubs and denture cream to contribute?

Selling Arizona to Sarah Palin is likely the superior choice.  If she made $12 million between August 2009 and April 2010, then the federal government should get her on a payment plan.  The lipsticked pitbull is a bona fide cash cow.  She could lead her own nation, and the feds could get some money to help pay down its debt.  Then we could convince New Mexico, California, Nevada, Utah, and Colorado to adopt an Arizona-esque immigration policy.  So when Arizonans, upon realizing that their leader is highly underqualified, attempt to sneak into the United States, we could demand their papers and send them back.  And yes, I’m suggesting that we hire all the immigrants Arizona hates for border patrol duty.

Perhaps my suggestion is myopic and asinine, but I maintain that it’s better than marching on/to Washington– yet again.  Starting a Sell Arizona to Palin movement would garner attention for its remarkable  ingenuity uniqueness alone.  What do we have to lose?  It seems like Arizona wants to party like it’s 1899, anyway; so let them.  Since Obamanuts are all about the future, Arizona seems antithetical to the whole project.  Let them, for the right price, return to the Gilded Age–and its policies–if they so choose.  Just don’t tell them that Arizona wasn’t a state during the era.  I don’t think they remember that part.