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Commercial Break: Athlete Slash Musician

It seems I’ve been more polemical than usual these last few weeks. So how about something completely worthless and asinine–ok, more worthless and asinine than what I usually post here–this Monday? Because, frankly, all I have to say about The Help‘s (and The Smurfs’) continued box office success this weekend is: Effing really (God bless the interrobang.)

Anyway, in case you missed it, the NFL lockout ended, and I’m using the breaks from dissertating to prepare for the upcoming fantasy football season. I’m ready to defend last year’s title (and take that money); I’ve also started a women’s fantasy football league (because that’s why feminists burned their bras in the 70s). In an effort to find enough women to participate, the homie, Liz and I Twitter-stalked ESPN’s Jemele Hill trying to get her to take one of our slots. Despite the hilarity of our tweets to her, she eventually declined due to schedule (or so she says #notbitter). One of tweets I sent her was a mash-up of the New York Jet, Bart Scott’s now hilariously infamous post-game interview and Nu Shooz 80s hit, “I Can’t Wait.” My foray into technological prowess combined with Deion “Must be the Money Sanders’ induction into the NFL Hall of Fame a few weeks ago got me thinking about athletes and their musical careers. And so, instead of the scathing pop culture criticism you’ve grown used to, I present:

Athlete Slash “Musician”: A List

  1. Carlos Boozer, “Winning Streak” — “Winning Streak” is a little like Carlos Boozer’s stat line. You see 20 (points) and 10 (rebounds) and think this guy’s an All-Star. You see Twista and Mario Winans (Quit frontin’. You know “I Need a Girl” was your jam) are on this song and think that it might not be as bad as you think. Then you listen and the first and only thought you have is how terribly wrong you were to argue that the worst thing about Carlos Boozer was his defense.
    Best line: I used to be another fellow with hoop dreams/Now I got the game laced up/Shoe strings
  2. Roy Jones Jr. “Ya’ll Must’ve Forgot” — True Story: I remember seeing the premiere of this video on 106 and Park. And if Free and AJ can’t find anything nice to say… “Ya’ll Must’ve Forgot” might be most aptly described as: Roy Jones Jr. raps his boxing résumé. That said, Jones Jr. must’ve forgot that raps lines are supposed to rhyme. Best line: And they got the nerve to say I ain’t fight nobody/I just made ‘em look like nobody. Totally, Roy.
  3. Tony Parker “Balance-toi” — One of the first things I learned in graduate school was that you seem a lot smarter if your rudimentary comment contains a French phrase–because everything sounds better in French. Tony Parker totally explodes that argument with one rap song. Best line: Uhh, who wants to translate this for me?
  4. Carl Lewis “Break it Up” — Remember when Carl Lewis jacked up the national anthem? Well, this is worse. The “Break it Up” video is something like Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical” meets an 80s hairband video meets Carl Lewis’ SportsCenter highlights. And you know what? I love every minute of it.
    Best line: The entire song is the best thing ever.
  5. Kobe Bryant “K.O.B.E.” — I relish at any and every opportunity to clown Kobe Bryant. I’m still trying to decide if Tyra Banks singing the hook to this song is the best or worst thing about it. Why stadiums don’t play this when Kobe is announced during the starting lineup is beyond me.
    Best line: Type that be loud in public/refrain my hand from a slap? Um, what?
  6. Ron Artest “Champions” — Apparently right after thanking his psychologist after winning the NBA championship, Ron Artest (aka Metta World Peace) penned the lines of “Champions” wherein he touts his awesomeness on the hardcourt and every other playing field. FYI: If you need someone who specializes in the impossible, including pissing off the Zen Master, Phil Jackson, Ron’s your guy.
    Best line: Call me incredible/work ethic impeccable/I did it for the decimals Thanks, Ron. Sincerely, Decimals.
  7. Shaquille O’Neal “What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock)”– This already basketball-heavy list could have been populated entirely with Shaq songs, but I chose this one because I needed a reason to bring up Moc Fu, Chip Fu, and Poc Fu, known collectively as Fu Schnickens. Oh, and Shaq’s dance moves! Best line: That’s ok, not being bragadocious/I’m supercalifragilistic Shaq is alidocious. Indeed, Shaq.
  8. Allen Iverson aka Jewelz “40 Bars” — No, he’s not talking ’bout practice. Basically, Allen Iverson wants to kill you. And rob you. (NSFW)
    Best line: Sons and daughters/one order you’ll be floating in water So much for the children being our future.
  9. Juan Pierre “The Natural” — Nothing like winning the World Series to make you feel like you can do anything. Juan Pierre must have gone to the Roy Jones Jr. School of Rapping because none of this shit rhymes.Best line: And then we what?/We went to New York. Because you know he briefly forgot what happened next.
  10. Deion Sanders “Must be the Money” — Best for last. Confession: I listen to this song once a week. Deion Sanders was not only an incredible football and baseball player, but he was a hip-hop pioneer, sing-rapping more than a decade before Kanye, Pharrell, or Drake. The number of body rolls in this video make it must see tv.
    Best line: A drop-top Benz when I’m with my lady-friends. Because when’s the last time you heard a woman referred to as a “lady-friend” in a rap song–or ever?
Bonus: Willie Beamen “My Name is Willie” (NSFW) — Sure, this comes from the movie, Any Given Sunday, but I couldn’t resist.

What better way to start your Monday than by making fun of rich men with ridiculous athletic ability? Cheers.