On the Inevitable #Fail of the Whitney Houston Biopic

As much as I’d like to stop publicly mourning the death of a person I never met, I’m not ready. Tweeting #shoopforjesus, randomly saying “‘Re ain’t here!?” to whomever will listen, and concluding that Whitney wasn’t that bad of a dancer after watching the “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” video are clear indicators that I’m: 1. my mother’s child and 2. not quite ready to let go. So, (un)fortunately, I must write about Whitney again. (I’m sure you can find a pundit sounding off on Rush Limbaugh somewhere on the internet.)

It makes sense, then, that I went in on my friend Maegs when she mentioned news of a Houston biopic and tried to defend why Jennifer Hudson was a legitimate option. My profanity-laced diatribe not only included the “J.Hud’s not pretty enough” angle, but also featured a rather long-winded digression about how much I hate her Weight Watchers commercials and thus would not stand for her playing my mama’s favorite singer.

Sadly, the other nominees being considered to play Houston in this inevitable biopic make Maegs seem (comparatively) right:

Rihanna — Seriously, dude, Rihanna can’t play a good singer in real life, what makes folks think she can play one on tv?

Jordin Sparks — Is there some conspiracy to keep American Idol contestants employed?

Brandy — Though I have major love for Brandy’s second album, and her little brother’s agony as Whitney’s casket left the church moistened many an eye in the room I was in a few Saturdays ago, I would much rather watch Brandy awkwardly “date” on a Vh1 reality show than play her idol. If she needs the work, though, I image I could almost support this choice. America loves a comeback #iwannabedown.

Beyonce — I have learned to appreciate Beyonce. However, if she is pegged to star in this biopic, I know that she will be all diva-like and insist on remaking all of Whitney’s songs. If any of this is allowed to happen, I will make it my life’s goal to seek and destroy every wind machine on this planet. (Yes, that is a threat.)

Vivica A. Fox — Although Ms. Fox does hail from my home state and I have a decent recollection of the series Out All Night (that theme song was the jam), I think the fact that Fox’ most recent films are default choices for B.E.T. Blackbuster nights (or whatever they call them, not that I watch) automatically disqualifies her…as does that horrendous plastic surgery she’s had done. Plus, the idea of Vivica on the talk show circuit publicizing this project makes me want to #setitoff, and I’m too handsome to go to jail. Please don’t choose her.

Willow Smith (as young Whitney) — Aren’t there child labor laws that would allow the authorities to arrest Will and Jada?

Clearly, Derek Luke will play Bobby.

What these rumors help reiterate is my point about Whitney Houston having no peer. No matter who is chosen, she will pale in comparison to the perfect storm that was the real life talent of Whitney Houston. And that will make us miss her more. I’m afraid that the focus on crafting celebrity, and not developing young actors, makes even the theoretical exercise of casting for Whitney a disappointing endeavor. Such talent, even to mimic her, it seems does not exist. And thus we are stuck swallowing the bitter pill that the best person for this role is someone who can barely properly harmonize with her own doppelganger in her own damn commercial.

I understand that my rather irrational opinion that there is no one on this planet talented enough to even impersonate the inimitable Whitney Houston is a belief probably only held by a few other Whitney stans, my mother, and me. My protest is futile. If this film must happen, and it seems that it must, please just pick a [profanity redacted] model and let her lipsync already. In the meantime, I’ll hope that Tyler Perry won’t pull the private plane card in an effort to be hired as a director.

Let us pray.