The aftermath of last week’s presidential debate ruled the land of the internet for, like, three whole days. Twitter and the blogosphere burst with excuses for the POTUS’ underwhelming performance and slo-mo video clips of Mitt Romney allegedly cheating by bringing notes with him. Big Bird n’em stole the show, though. After Romney claimed he would shrink the deficit by cutting government funding for things like PBS, Big Bird supporters went berserk. The Sesame Street memes and tweets were by far the best, not only showing just how absurd such a claim was but also being the most wonderful clay with which to mold our collective snark. Those Sesame Street memes made me proud to be an American.
Anyway, Romney’s claim that he was going to lay off Elmo because his third person antics were draining government funding got me thinking: Who else needs a pink slip?
The Hollywood Exec who thought it would be a good idea to pay Tyler Perry to be an action hero. Why? Not just because only Tyler Perry should pay Tyler Perry to be in a movie, but also because watching the trailer makes one think, Damn. I actually prefer dude in big mama drag.
Estimated savings: The souls of black folk
The elder in charge of saving Chris Brown and Rihanna from themselves. Listen, folks, I can lightweight understand getting crunk about the black love of Michelle and Barry, but this Chrihanna romantic engagement has reached its young love stupidity threshold. There is no honor in becoming the (not so) new millennium’s Ike and Tina. No one wants to see Rihanna’s version of What’s Love Got to Do With It in theaters thirty years from now, nor does anyone want Alicia Keys to be inspired by anything. We endure her breathy, sandpapery voice enough. No one wants a remix to “Unbreakable.”
Estimated savings: All funding for Steve Harvey’s “relationship expert” hustle
The person at American Idol responsible for hiring Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. I don’t watch the show anymore. Are the ratings that bad? Is it getting absolutely–and rightfully–sonned by The Voice? We all know that Mariah’s voice box has seen better days, but her diva status is legit. So legit that show producers, if they are going to invent a feud for publicity, shouldn’t choose Nicki Minaj as Mimi’s nemesis. Nicki is no diva, and Mimi deserves better. Is Celine not available? Is MJB too busy singing about crispy chicken? We need the real divas to please stand up.
Estimated savings: Lots of Beyonce air time
Viola Davis’ entire post-Doubt acting career. If becoming the latest black object of affection for teary-eyed white moviegoers who love to wax nostalgic about the simpler, gentler time that was the civil rights era wasn’t enough, Davis’ latest flick has her at the center of some neo-”liberal” craptastic excuse for a movie, Won’t Back Down, where she plays a teacher who takes back her bad public school from the evil teachers’ union or whatever. This might have played better if CTU hadn’t shown Rahm what was up, but it’s evident that corporate America’s next business target is the American education system. I guess Davis wants to help. Since she was, you know, the help #rimshot. Clearly this woman is working for somebody. She needs to take her talents to Miami. Or something.
Estimated savings: Self-respect (yours, hers, take your pick)
The schedulers over at Lifetime. I might have watched the black version of Steel Magnolias if it hadn’t premiered on Sunday night. But when I need Philip Rivers to produce for one of my four–yes, four–fantasy leagues playing and part two of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion airing at the same (damn) time, black Steel Magnolias is getting treated like Barack Obama’s notes for the debate: forgotten.
Estimated savings: However much Lifetime is going to pay Tyler Perry to remake for colored girls… with an all-white cast.
Enjoy your week, folks.