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Summer M.’s Finals Week

For many, today marks the beginnings of finals week, a slew of tests given at the end of the semester wherein students attempt to coherently regurgitate everything they learned last night while cramming. In this tradition, I’d like to assign several essay questions to a few folks who have some explaining to do. You know what they say: you can take the student out of the school, but you can’t take the school out of the student. Actually, “they” don’t say that at all. Who is “they,” anyway?

Each essay should be 8 – 10 double-spaced pages and cite at least 5 non-Wikipedia sources. Plagiarism is for suckas.

After the jump, check out the “student”, major, and essay topic.

Mary J. Blige (African American Studies) — Explain how the rough draft of a recording featuring the lyrics, “Crispy chicken/fresh lettuce/three cheeses/ranch dressing/wrapped up in a tasty/flour tortilla,” could be interpreted as anything but racist. Sassy, academic language should be employed whenever possible.

Blue Ivy Carter (Linguistics) — Discuss the etymology of your birth name and its connections to your parents’ alleged involvement in Illuminati activity. Considerations of your mother’s proclivity to “nomenclate” and/or create new terms (see: bootylicious, automo-bill) should also be mentioned and connected to your argument.

Alicia Keys/John Legend/Frank Ocean (Music) — Rehearse the history of the falsetto and why, on a variety of levels, you choose to sing the way you do.

Nicki Minaj (Psychology) — Explain your excruciatingly enduring fame. Answer should not include further misinterpretation of what it means to “beez in the trap.”

The Houstons (Family studies) — Disclose who was responsible for agreeing to do this unfortunate reality show and create an exhaustive list of reasons why this person has not been excommunicated. Any negative mentions of Bobbi Kris and Miss Cissy will automatically result in a failing grade. A footnote on how Whitney Houston’s older brother manages to look like Peter from RHOA and J.J. Evans at the same (damn) time would be greatly appreciated.

Barack Obama (Political Science) — Share in lucid, concrete detail where, exactly, forward is taking any black and brown person who manages not to get a job, bombed and/or put in school jail.

Kerry Washington (Public Relations) — Explain the bobblehead diet how, after I quit you so many years ago, you manage to lure me into this mess of a television show and not tip me off to the mess that went down on LAST WEEK’S EPISODE.