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Duets

Although I sorta kinda spoke out against marriage last week, I’m not anti-coupling. In fact, sometimes linking up with another person yields gallons of awesomeness: Jaden Smith and Justin Bieber, Doc Brown and Marty, Pinky and the Brain, Dre and Big Boi, Cephus and Reesie. ABC has decided to capitalize on this with its new reality show, Duets. The show pairs contestants with its celebrity judges, and they sing, well, duets. Seeing a commercial for the show got me thinking: With recent news headlines in mind, who needs to get together and sing a duet? Well, here are a few suggestions:

LeBron James and Robert Stack (former host of Unsolved Mysteries), featuring the Miami Heat Gospel Choir sing “Superwoman (Where Were You When I Needed You)” by Stevie Wonder — LeBron James is the best, most talented player in the NBA. And, even though last year he told everybody that he was going to keep being rich while every one else went back to their wack lives after the Heat lost in the NBA finals, I’m starting to feel bad for the guy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an athlete of his stature just disappear at the end of a game. Seriously, the only thing that fades away faster than LeBron in the fourth is his hairline. Can someone phone a sports psychologist before LeBron really turns into Nick Anderson? Dude needs not one, not two, not three, but maybe four sessions a week.

Barack Obama and Bayard Rustin sing “Hold My Hand” by Van Hunt — Since Barack Obama is the first gay president and everything now, I thought he might benefit from the help of a mentor before even the staunchest of Kool-Aid sippers get hip and realizes that the POTUS refusing to make this bit of personal political isn’t really doing much but giving Newsweek‘s photo editor a reason to try that new skill and photoshop a rainbow halo over the POTUS’ head. With lines like, “And what you you see could mean a million things/Too early to assume I’m the one you’ve been waiting for,” this lovely song (a lesbian theme song similar to, but better than Floetry’s “Say Yes,” IMHO) by an incredibly slept on artist is perfect for this duet. Imagine it, the ghost of Bayard Rustin emerges from out of nowhere and helps BHO learn everything there is to know about being the first gay–and black–president, and then they sing a song. Then Rustin disappears just before BHO has to give a really important speech. Hmm. This has magical Negro written all over it. Perhaps I should work on the screenplay.

Don Imus and Naomi Schafer Riley sing “Say, Say, Say” by Sir Paul McCartney and the (allegedly) late, great MJJ — Initially I had penned this duo to sing “Take Care” by Drake and Rihanna because I wanted to make some sort of ironic, Drake is super sensitive and these two aren’t joke, but I’m laying off of Drake this week. I figured Imus could holler at Riley about how to get her job back during recording. I also figure one of these jokers might end up in blackface should a music video be shot for their rendition of this song. And then all the race men and women could have a reason to be mad–again.

Queen Latifah and Raven-Symone sing “Berry Farms” by Meshell Ndegeocello — I’m not one to spread rumors, so you won’t hear any that’s so gayven jokes from me, but I will say that ever since MJJ, I’ve lightweight trusted TMZ. Now, I’m not suggesting that QL or the former Olivia Kendall need to say anything about anything, but I am putting it out there that a duet between these two could help resurrect both of their dormant rap careers. I will also refrain from making any argument that somehow ties the subject of Raven gossip to the fact she appeared in the above Da Brat (tat tat tat tat) video. However, I will say, if there is any truth to the gossip, Raven, that’s a good look for you. Get it, boo.